


In vino stoliditas

by dragon_with_a_teacup



Category: Shades of Magic - V. E. Schwab
Genre: Alucard has to make sure he kisses everyone, Attempt at Humor, Don't Judge Me, Drinking, Drinking Games, Drunken Flirting, Drunken Kissing, F/M, Humor, Kissing, M/M, Minor spoilers for Conjuring of Light I guess, Post-Canon, Probably out of character but oh well, post-Conjuring of Light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-26 13:26:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18181202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragon_with_a_teacup/pseuds/dragon_with_a_teacup
Summary: Lila and Kell return to London from their travels, and celebrate with Rhy and Alucard. But several glasses of potent Faroan wine later, things start to get out of hand...This is just a bit of stupid fun because I want these dorks to have a chance to be silly together.





	In vino stoliditas

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the phrase "in vino veritas" which means "in wine there is truth." In my version, "stoliditas" means "stupidity."

Lila Bard had missed London. Well, parts of it. She didn’t think she would choose this city over the open sea or adventure. But some aspects she might admit she had missed, if only to herself.

She had especially missed Alucard, the absolute bastard that he was. She missed seeing Kell interact with him and Rhy both, in such different ways.

Rhy had been delighted to see them when they’d descended to the dock from the _Night Spire_ that afternoon. He’d swept them both up in an enthusiastic hug, entirely abandoning any pretense of regality. Once the king released them, Alucard had approached and clapped Lila on the back with a grin. He and Kell had exchanged a terse nod, though it had lacked outright hostility, at least.

Now, as darkness descended on the capital of Arnes, the four of them had taken a rare night off for celebration, during which Lila was watching Alucard become more and more uproariously drunk with every passing minute. Usually, he could hold his alcohol well, but this Faroan wine she and Kell had brought had hit them all hard.

Still, Lila knew she could out-drink most people, present company very much included, and she suspected she was the most sober (well, least drunk) of them all.

Wine bottles in varying states of empty scattered across the table and floors around the two couches in Rhy’s private rooms. A fire flickered low in the fireplace, largely ignored. Lila had a fleeting thought someone should stoke it, but that sounded like something that would require her to move. Never mind then. She reached for the ornate glass she’d drained at least four times.

Across the table, Rhy sprawled on the other couch, feet up on the cushion at the end in an unabashedly un-kingly manner. His head rested on Alucard’s lap, which Lila supposed was not kingly either. But considering her own feet rested across Kell’s thighs, she was in no position to judge. Besides, the king had had at least as much wine as Lila had—the main difference being that Lila could hold her alcohol much better. And she had the advantage of having tried this wine before bringing it back here.

Rhy, on the other hand, was _drunk_.

“Where’s your crown?” Alucard asked Rhy suddenly, eyes flying wide.

Alarmed, Rhy sat up, hands going to his curls. “I… I don’t know!” He twisted to face Alucard, and genuine panic dripped from his next words. “Did… did someone take over the kingdom?”

Alucard glanced over at Lila, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. Lila pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. “No, darling,” Alucard addressed Rhy. He lifted his arm from where it had been resting over the arm of the couch. Rhy’s gold crown dangled from his fingers. (The king himself had taken it off a few minutes before and handed it to Alucard, claiming it was annoying.) “But you did make me king in your stead,” Alucard explained.

“What?” Rhy gasped. “No, why would I do that?” He made a weak grab for the crown, which Alucard held out of his reach with ease. “Luc! I need that!”

“All right,” Alucard smirked. He repositioned it on Rhy’s head, which he then patted. “There.”

“Thank you,” Rhy grinned at him, his expression a little dazed, a lot adoring.

Next to Lila, Kell cleared his throat. Lila, laughing as quietly as she could manage, turned to him. Though he was lolling against the back of the couch as if he were fighting sleep, he still eyed Alucard with wariness, and she could tell that these months away had done only a little to ease his fear for his brother’s heart.

“Loosen up, Kell,” she chided nonetheless. Personally, she thought it was about time the Red _Antari_ set aside his mistrust. “We’re supposed to be celebrating.”

“That’s right!” Alucard declared. “We haven’t toasted in ages.”

“We toasted five minutes ago, Alucard.”

He ignored her words. “To returned friends! Well, to returned _friend_ ,” he raised his cup in Lila’s direction, “and returned irritation,” he added with a look at Kell.

Rhy didn’t appear to be fully comprehending, but he cheered, clinked his cup against Alucard’s, and drained it. Meanwhile, Kell muttered mutinously into his own cup, “I’m sure we could find you an ointment or something for that, Emery.”

Lila swatted his shoulder. Kell tended to be especially grumpy when he drank, but she knew he’d feel better after another drink or two. Time for a more proactive tactic.

“Say, Alucard, I have an idea,” she said as she swung her legs to the side so she could lean forward and refill their cups. “I’ve never told you about any of the drinking games from Grey London, have I?”

His eyes lit up, and he leaned forward. “Are you challenging me, Bard?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Why? Do you feel challenged?”

His grin was fierce, and in that moment it seemed to Lila she had never left his company. “You’re on.”

* * *

Three glasses later, Lila found herself regretting issuing this challenge. She couldn’t stop… _giggling_.

Alucard seemed to be in a similar state, though his was decidedly more flirtatious. His hand on Rhy’s thigh kept creeping higher. Rhy, on the other hand, was probably going to be the one to pass out first. Lila did not envy the morning he was sure to have in a few hours. Or maybe it already was morning. Lila wasn’t sure.

The game—which was actually a song, each lengthening verse sung by each player in turn to an increasingly fast tempo—had led to all four of them sprawled on the floor next to the table. All were breathless with laughter. The bottles and cups were chaos around them. Rhy’s crown was on Lila’s head now, to designate her as the winner.

“That’s hardly fair,” Kell protested. His words were slurred, due to Lila’s declaration that everyone who made a mistake had to drink. “You grew up with this!”

“Are you really trying to tell me you don’t have anything like this? I’ve heard similar songs here!”

“She’s right,” Alucard pointed at Kell—a move he probably intended to be emphatic but was in truth rather limp.

“Well, you’re a pirate,” Kell retorted. “Of course you know about… things like that.”

“Privateer,” Alucard corrected. He tried to sip from his cup, but pulled it from his lips to stare at it in affront upon noticing it was empty. Lila giggled again, before she remembered the game had only ended because they had finished the wine. Damn.

“That’s the same thing as a pirate!” Kell said.

“No, it isn’t!”

Lila knew this argument—not new, but certainly repetitive—would be even more unbearable thanks to the wine. She looked at Rhy for support, hoping he hadn’t fallen asleep. He smiled lazily at her, spinning his cup on the floor like a top and humming the drinking song. Occasionally he let a word like “rattlin’” or “valley-oh” slip past his wine-stained lips. Lila giggled at him, then slid over to lean on his shoulder. Perhaps it was all the time she spent with Kell and his utter devotion to Rhy, but she truly had missed the younger Maresh.

“Hey,” Alucard said. His attention seemed to have shifted to her. “He’s mine!”

“I could say the same of her,” Kell said, eyes on Rhy. “What are you two doing?”

“Waiting for you to finish bickering,” Lila yawned, adjusting her head’s position on Rhy’s shoulder.

“Don’t fall asleep yet!” Alucard demanded. “It’s still early, it’s only…” He twisted, as if seeking a window or other sign of what time it was. However, this effort only resulted in a bewildered look on his face as he noticed he was sitting on the floor.

Lila, on the other hand, was sobering up somewhat. That, or the dizzying energy that had coursed through them all during the game had worn off. “We should go to bed. Rhy probably has responsibilities tomorrow. Which means so do you.”

“Well, then get off my Rhy!”

Lila grinned. Alucard’s inebriation had transformed from flirtatious to something she could have even more fun with. And she never could resist a bit of teasing.

“But he’s so comfortable!” she declared and did not move.

Alucard looked offended, as did Kell when Rhy put his arm around Lila. (She wasn’t sure if he was aware this was her, not Alucard, but decided it didn’t matter.)

Kell let out a disgruntled noise.

“Is Rhy a good kisser?” Lila pressed on. “You know, Alucard, he seemed pretty eager to show me when we met. Well, the second time. The first time we talked was… complicated. I shot him. It was a tense situation.”

“What does it matter if he’s a good kisser?” Kell’s eyes were wide, horrified at the turn the conversation had taken.

Unexpectedly, Alucard seemed to have caught on to what Lila was doing, which was a bit disappointing. He turned his gaze onto Kell, a sly smile spreading across his face. “Lila’s quite a good kisser, isn’t she?”

“ _Excuse_ me?” Kell sputtered.

“Did she never tell you?” Alucard placed a hand over his chest, as if astonished.

“Tell me what?” Kell demanded. Lila almost felt bad for him.

Alucard’s expression turned lascivious. “About the time she and I—”

“All right,” Lila snapped. “If you’re going to bring that up, you can at least do the courtesy of allowing _me_ to tell the story!”

“Fine,” Alucard shrugged exaggeratedly, then leaned back against the couch, placing his hands behind his head. “Go on, then.”

She caught Kell’s two-toned gaze and resisted the urge to fidget. “He tried to seduce me in order to get to know me.”

“And before you try to murder me,” Alucard hastened to add, “I didn’t succeed. She threw a wine bottle at me. Probably would have stabbed me too.”

“When was this?” Kell asked, fist clenched where it rested on his leg.

“A week or so before the Essen Tasch,” Lila waved his question away. “Ancient history.”

“Honestly, Alucard,” Kell turned to him, obviously exasperated. “Can you have chosen a more dangerous person to kiss?”

Alucard smirked, and a familiar glint appeared in his eyes. “Probably,” he said. Before anyone could say another word, or even move, he took Kell’s face in his hands, leaned forward, and pressed their lips together.

Kell’s delayed reaction—though only delayed by a second or two—proved just how drunk he was. Those short seconds passed, and then a frantic Kell was shoving Alucard away, crying out and wiping at his mouth. Lila suspected Alucard had used his tongue.

The former privateer sat back, grinning. A shivering instant of silence passed, and Lila stole a glance at Rhy next to her. He looked back, and then they both burst out laughing.

Kell, fuming, crawled away from Alucard, but obviously was hesitant to join his brother and Lila. He settled for climbing back onto the couch behind her, where he crossed his arms and muttered, “I hate you all.”

Lila reached up and squeezed his ankle, still breathless with laughter. Rhy had all but collapsed on the floor. And on the other side of the table, Alucard regarded them all, a smug grin on his face.

“All right, Bard,” he said. “Your turn.”

And just like that, her giggles choked to a stop. “For what?”

“Well,” he shrugged, “you wanted to know if Rhy’s a good kisser…”

She barked a laugh. His words were a relief; she had been imagining him trying to kiss her again, just to get a further rise out of Kell. “Oh, no. I, unlike _some people_ , don’t feel the need to kiss everyone I meet!”

Kell chuckled, so Lila didn’t notice the movement beside her until it was too late—Rhy, having sat up, pressed his mouth to her cheek. She whirled to face him, meeting his amused amber gaze, and shoved him away with a laugh. “Watch it, Your Majesty.”

Rhy allowed her to push him over, shoulders shaking with mirth. “Your face, brother,” he said to Kell. “I think it’s worth every instant of the headache I’m in for in the morning.”

“Speaking of which, we really should go to bed,” Lila noted. She was much more sober now, but fatigue started to pull at her. They had only arrived back in London that afternoon, and had only in the last few hours had a chance to relax.

Alucard groaned. “Are you the voice of reason, Bard? What is this world coming to?”

“Shut up.” She forced herself to her feet, then turned and tugged Kell to his feet. “This night has gotten ridiculous enough. I’m going to sleep, and if any of you try to wake me in the morning with a kiss, my lips will be the last thing you ever see.”

* * *

Sunlight stabbed Lila’s skull. Her head throbbed, and she rolled over with a groan. Next to her, Kell moaned softly. A piteous noise, one which sent Lila to her feet when nothing else could have. She seized the deep red curtain and yanked it fully shut, so it blocked out the sliver of morning light. That done, she staggered back to Kell’s bed.

“Why are we awake?” Kell whispered while she pulled the covers up to her chin.

“Because Alucard is an asshole and sent that guard to wake us,” Lila pointed out and glanced at her pillow, now on the floor near the door after missing the guard’s head.

“And why didn’t we kill him? Alucard, that is.”

“I’ll kill him after I have some tea.”

“All right.”

Kell pressed his fingers into his temples, eyes scrunched shut. Lila peered at him through her squint. In spite of the pain in her head, she felt a surge of amusement and affection at the sight of his messy hair. As she lay there, however, the memories of the previous night seeped back in: opening the Faroan wine, challenging her friends to the drinking game, losing all semblance of composure…

Alucard kissing Kell.

She tried to bite back a snort. Her efforts did not quite succeed, for Kell opened his blue eye to regard her. The warning look there told her he too remembered.

“Faroan wine is terrifying,” she said, trying to reassure him.

“Faroan wine is evil,” he corrected.

And yet she couldn’t resist one last jab. “But Alucard _is_ a decent kisser, isn’t—”

Kell’s pillow hit her in the face before she could finish.

Yes, it was good to be back in London.


End file.
